today is Jan 2 and I have already signed up for tanning, which is really bad for me but I like to do it on occasion in the winter. I would love to say that I’m already eating healthy but the chocolate that started in November was still going strong yesterday. Today was a bit better. When my inner voice wants to tell me that I’m not measuring up, that I need to get better, be better, look better, sound better, I tell myself to breathe and I say, better than what? I’m here.
the things I did better are I ate a salad for lunch, showed up to work, reluctantly took my car to the mechanic, and didn’t drink. During that time, I spoke to one of my adult children who is incarcerated, currently in maximum security. She was hoping to not lose her “good time” because she used in jail. She is an addict and she had a weak moment and is feeling the regret. For me, I am better because I didn’t react to her to need for instant gratification which could include asking me to call someone and beg for her time to be reduced. Many years ago, I would have done that, long before jail. I did that thinking that I could alter her journey, her destination, her experiences, and didn’t realize that for some reason she needs to experience, feel, and absorb everything that she is living, the same as me. My hope is that she will find someone who needs to hear her story and that will add to theirs.
So, for today, at the beginning of this year in 2019, my need to find all kinds of ways outside ways to make myself better is still there. However, I am grateful that I have developed the ability to hesitate, to wait, to pause, and reflect on how I feel and wonder what it really means.
When I was in high school, I always wanted to be a writer, to speak to people about life through my eyes. One day, many years later, I started to wake up and I realized that I write alot so I may not be paid, but I am writer.
To my adult children, I say things like, listen to your inner voice, go with your intuition, trust yourself first a little and you will build confidence. Look inward and find the good.
That’s it for today. Have an awesome day.